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Laura RowleySenior Editor, The Huffington Post GET UPDATES FROM Laura Rowley Like 401 Why September Can Be The Toughest Month For Working MothersPosted: 09/06/2012 10:10 am React
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Back To School, Working Mothers, Extracurricular Activities, Carpooling, Raising Independent Kids, Work Life Balance, Working Parents, Fifty News#news_entries #ad_sharebox_260x60 img {padding:0px;margin:0px} share this story Submit this storydiggredditstumble
When it comes to working motherhood, it is the small things that break you. September seems to break me every year.
I have three children, 15, nearly 13 and 9, and work full-time in New York City, commuting about an hour each way. My husband also works full-time, but the bulk of the work of organizing the kids falls to me. For the first time, we are experimenting with having a sitter come just two days a week after school -- which started Wednesday.
But soccer practice started Tuesday, and our summer babysitter had already returned to college. Meanwhile, the recreation department had moved soccer practice from a manageable 5:30pm to an impossible 4pm. No worries, though -- I had recently spoken with the mom of the family we had carpooled with for years. They would drop off; we would pickup.
However, unbeknownst to her, her husband had signed their daughter up for the traveling team. No two words strike greater terror into the heart of a working, commuting parent than "traveling team." This is a parallel universe in which entire weekends are devoured and fossil fuels burned in monstrous proportions in the service of more competitive matches against teams in remote corners of a three-state region. (Keep in mind that just 1 to 2 percent of high school athletes get any scholarship money at all.) I have managed to avoid this world for a decade and it would take a gun to my head to make me go there.
I discover the collapse of my carpool on Monday night.
No problem, I think, emailing the two moms I knew on the team early Tuesday morning. But one has a conflict and can't make the practice; the other is already in a carpool with a neighbor. When I call home at noon to tell my older kids to walk my younger one the mile-and-a-half to the field, I discover my youngest had gone to a play date -- with a friend who had soccer at the same time, at a nearby field.
Score!
Feeling somewhat guilty about the request, I call the au pair and ask if she wouldn't mind dropping my daughter off on the way, then text her the exact address of the field. Then I call home to tell my oldest to remind my youngest that practice was at a different field this year.
I am feeling highly efficient.
I had come to work that morning two hours early so I could be home in time for the 5:30pm pickup. My two trains align perfectly, and I even run into a neighbor who gives me a ride home from the station -- landing me in my driveway at 5:08pm.
And there, strolling up the street in her cleats and ponytail, is my bedraggled nine-year-old.
My flight plan had crashed: The oldest never told the youngest about the new field location (too busy watching the entire sixth season of "Lost" on Netflix ahead of the school-night TV ban). At my daughter's insistence, the au pair dropped her off at the wrong field where she saw a few players (not the au pair's fault -- she had to get her charge to a different practice on time). My daughter wandered around for 40 minutes looking for her team and asking strangers if they knew where the practice was. Then it started to rain and thunder. So she walked the mile-and-a-half home from the field.
I told her I was also proud of her for finding her way home. Then I went in my office and fought back tears, my imagination gone wild with dark thoughts of the calamities that might have befallen her.
I know: I'm the over-controlling mom who should chill out. It all turned out fine. But I filed the memory with other failures over the years: the time I put my preschooler in aftercare, where she spent two hours alone with the teacher while all her classmates went to the birthday party I forgot to put on the calendar; the time I arranged a ride to Chinese class for my daughter and she got dropped off, then stood shivering in the cold for an hour because the center was closed; the supplies I couldn't buy for the Egypt project (assigned that afternoon and due the next) because I got home late; the (multiple) times I drove to our school gym when it was an away game, arriving at the correct location by halftime.
Overall I can't complain; I worked mainly from home for nine years, and navigated the tyranny of the kids' schedules pretty well. But I can't help wondering how we got here, and why our kids' worlds are geared for families with a parent at home when the share of married-couple families where both parents worked was nearly 60 percent in 2011. (I can't begin to imagine how single working parents manage.) A friend once told me the best year of her parenting life was the 12 months she lived in London, where the kids do sports and music and everything else after school at school and arrive home in time for dinner with their parents.
My mother, who had 11 children, was expected to attend exactly five school activities a year: fall open house, holiday concert, science fair and twice-a-year teacher conferences -- all of which were held at night. She was never invited to read to the class, or come to the Halloween parade, or watch my presentation when I dressed up as Jo from "Little Women." But for my generation it's "attachment schooling" -- we're expected to be there for everything, and then manage all the after-school enrichment that will catapult our children into respectable colleges.
For an hour or so I ache in the place where the balance has been broken. Then I shake it off. As my mother used to say, this too shall pass. This may be my failure, but it's a success for my daughter. She has learned she can figure things out on her own, and life turns out OK.
Wednesday morning I make breakfast and take the requisite first-day-of-school pictures. We head to the bus stop with an absurd load of school supplies, tissue boxes, disinfecting wipes, poster board, umbrellas and the dog.
The school bus comes 20 minutes late. I miss my train.
I can't wait for the holiday break.
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FOLLOW FIFTY Like 6k Get Alerts#ad_bottom_article_text {margin-bottom: 15px} Working MothersBack To SchoolWhen it comes to working motherhood, it is the small things that break you. September seems to break me every year. I have three children, 15, nearly 13 and 9, and work full-time in New York City, ...When it comes to working motherhood, it is the small things that break you. September seems to break me every year. I have three children, 15, nearly 13 and 9, and work full-time in New York City, ... More in Fifty...
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View AllFavoritesBloggers Recency | Popularity LouisaSimmonds0 Fans 4 hours ago (11:13 PM)I feel your pain. Your post brings back more than a few parent horror stories. I found it got better when I was forced to simply reduce their out of school activities; better for me and better for them. We don't need to be busy for 24hrs per day - we weren't, and we turned out ok.LouisaSimmonds: I feel your pain. Your post brings back more thanhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/LouisaSimmonds/why-september-can-be-the-cruelest-month-for-working-mothers-_b_1857990_184664805.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation. Loading comments… HUFFPOST BLOGGERKaren Dukess5 Fans 6 hours ago ( 9:43 PM)I can relate -- and I only work three days a week! Laura, you don't sound like an over-controlling parent to me. I give you credit for asking your kids to step up when necessary -- walk a younger sibling to practice, etc. There's more good than harm in that!hp_blogger_Karen Dukess: I can relate -- and I only work three dayshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/hp_blogger_Karen Dukess/why-september-can-be-the-cruelest-month-for-working-mothers-_b_1857990_184639012.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation. Loading comments… Gumbogirl6415 Fans 7 hours ago ( 8:49 PM)I grew up without weekly dance lessons, soccer practice, karate class, playdates, etc. yet, I never felt deprived. My parents were both working parents, but they took time for us as a family. We had dinner together every night. We talked about our days. We laughed and shared ideas and stories. We played board games once a week. On weekends, we went to the park or the pool or the museum or a free concert as a family. Those are the memories I cherish far more than my few years of ballet class, or T-ball. I hear lament their full schedules – bemoaning lives spent running one child to one practice, then rushing to pick up another - eating on the run while trying to complete homework in the car on the way to some game or another – worrying that they hardly see their children except when carpooling them here and there, and I wonder… could it be that their children would appreciate spending more time as a family and less time engaged in “enrichment activities”?
Are people really doing all this for their children? Do they fear depriving their children of some all-important life-changing experience? Or are they busy trying to keep up with the Joneses?
Maybe more families need to take a step back and decide, AS a family, what they really want out of life. If this is the life they choose, then go for it, but realize it comes at a cost.Gumbogirl64: I grew up without weekly dance lessons, soccer practice, karatehttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Gumbogirl64/why-september-can-be-the-cruelest-month-for-working-mothers-_b_1857990_184623353.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share it
HUFFPOST SUPER USERChristina Belcher38 Fans 2 hours ago ( 1:16 AM)I am really picky about activities. I have noticed while working with kids that so many families are rushed and seem unhappy. We do a couple of little things on the weekend. During the week we really do nothing at night, except family time, homework, and eating dinner together.I also think a lot of the problems we see with overstimulated children comes from our hectic lifestyle. Finally, as adults we need a break too. What good is it for my child if I am always running and not living in the moment. Gosh, sometimes I want to live back in Europe again. Things are a little bit slower where I came from.Christina_Belcher: I am really picky about activities. I have noticed whilehttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Christina_Belcher/why-september-can-be-the-cruelest-month-for-working-mothers-_b_1857990_184703123.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation.
Loading comments…This comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation. Loading comments… mcgerm7 Fans 7 hours ago ( 8:44 PM)Just stop doing it. With the right REAL major your kids could go to a state college and come out earning multi-six figures without all the extra activities. If you want to run yourself ragged to get your kids into the right activities for the right fluffy liberal arts school, knock your socks off.mcgerm: Just stop doing it. With the right REAL major yourhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/mcgerm/why-september-can-be-the-cruelest-month-for-working-mothers-_b_1857990_184621967.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation. Loading comments… twinsplustwo2 Fans 7 hours ago ( 8:35 PM)I totally relate. I too try to make it to school events juggling work responsibilities as needed. I just keep telling myself....they are only little once..we all just do the best we can with the resources we have!twinsplustwo: I totally relate. I too try to make it tohttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/twinsplustwo/why-september-can-be-the-cruelest-month-for-working-mothers-_b_1857990_184619540.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation. Loading comments… HUFFPOST BLOGGERBarbara Hannah Gruffermaauthor, The Best of Everything After 501150 Fans 8 hours ago ( 7:37 PM)Oh Laura . . . I can so relate! Your post is spot on.Looking back at all the years of being a working mother of two daughters, I'm amazed that any of it (work, home, playdates, doc appts., homework, exams, dinner prep, sports, sleepovers, sick days, friends, etc., etc.) ever gone done. But it did. And every one is just fine. In fact, my oldest started college this year, and my youngest started high school, both happy where they are and eager to begin the school year. As for me, I'm starting to breathe a big sigh of . . . relief.
Thanks for your incredible insights . . .
BarbaraBarbara_Hannah_Grufferma: Oh Laura . . . I can so relate! Yourhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Barbara_Hannah_Grufferma/why-september-can-be-the-cruelest-month-for-working-mothers-_b_1857990_184602553.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation.
Loading comments… HUFFPOST BLOGGERAnn Brenoff823 Fans 8 hours ago ( 7:31 PM)Completely relate!hp_blogger_Ann Brenoff: Completely relate!http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/hp_blogger_Ann Brenoff/why-september-can-be-the-cruelest-month-for-working-mothers-_b_1857990_184600694.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation. Loading comments… HUFFPOST SUPER USERinkongirl240 Fans 9 hours ago ( 6:13 PM)I thought I had a lot to handle with my two, but reading your story exhausted me. But thank you for sharing it. It's comforting to know that a lot of moms are juggling work and family responsibilities. Now, I need to go fight rush hour traffic and pick up my 6th grader and 9th grader. Thank goodness they go to the same private school.inkongirl: I thought I had a lot to handle with myhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/inkongirl/why-september-can-be-the-cruelest-month-for-working-mothers-_b_1857990_184575489.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation. Loading comments… ATaylor6173 Fans 11 hours ago ( 4:19 PM)Thank you so much! I loved this article. School calendars and kids' activity schedules are not geared for working parents. I am lucky enough now to have a job that allows me some degree of flexibility, but that flexibility came with an enormous cut in pay compared to my last job. I'm also lucky enough to have a village of parents in similar circumstances who are all dealing with the same thing. Somehow, we all manage to come together and make it work. I don't know how single parents, people without a network of friends and family nearby, and inflexible work schedules manage to keep it all together.ATaylor617: Thank you so much! I loved this article. School calendarshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/ATaylor617/why-september-can-be-the-cruelest-month-for-working-mothers-_b_1857990_184535725.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation. Loading comments… Erin Mantz23 Fans 12 hours ago ( 3:20 PM)This is dead-on to any working mom, including myself! So funny, and so true!Erin_Mantz: This is dead-on to any working mom, including myself! Sohttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Erin_Mantz/why-september-can-be-the-cruelest-month-for-working-mothers-_b_1857990_184514511.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation. Loading comments… NYCKitty167 Fans 13 hours ago ( 3:02 PM)I have to wonder what is more important - your children or your job. Now I understand that raising 3 children in this part of America is expensive, but you knew that when you took on the role of being a mother, didn't you? Yes, you must have. I also understand that living in suburbia can be a bit costly but of course you also knew this. Shouldn't be a surprise.
But I have to question those who continue to put their job in front of the needs of their children. I would question if you really have to work and if you really have to work full time or if you work just to keep up a certain lifestyle. I suppose it's not my business but then you wrote this story, not me.
As for the working single parents - most I know are getting some sort of govt. help. You would be surprised what goes on in the world of single parenting and who is paying for it.NYCKitty: I have to wonder what is more important - yourhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/NYCKitty/why-september-can-be-the-cruelest-month-for-working-mothers-_b_1857990_184508471.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share it
HUFFPOST SUPER USERJill IrishO seclum insipiens et inficetum!198 Fans 12 hours ago ( 3:54 PM)Listen, pal, I ain't gettin' no government help. And silly me, I couldn't predict the future where my ex-husband did things I did not believe him capable of doing. Including nearly bankrupting the family. Get a clue.Jill_Irish: Listen, pal, I ain't gettin' no government help. And sillyhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Jill_Irish/why-september-can-be-the-cruelest-month-for-working-mothers-_b_1857990_184526688.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share it NYCKitty167 Fans 11 hours ago ( 4:28 PM)Oh here we go with the shattered wife who didn't have a clue. Wish I had a nickle for every time I heard a woman cry that she didn't know what her husband was up to. Here's a clue - he was probably an ahole when you met him, an ahole when you married and an ahole when he impregnated you but I'm sure you got caught up in some stupid wedding and thought a baby would bring you closer. PS I did say MOST single parents I KNOW get govt. help. Key words here being MOST and I KNOW. I never said EVERY SINGLE PARENTS.NYCKitty: Oh here we go with the shattered wife who didn'thttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/NYCKitty/why-september-can-be-the-cruelest-month-for-working-mothers-_b_1857990_184538865.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation. There are More Comments on this Thread. Click Here To See them AllLoading comments…This comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation. Loading comments… Mary Ellen Budney4 Fans 11 hours ago ( 4:37 PM)so, what goes on in the world of single parenting? Am I missing some big payout?Mary_Ellen_Budney: so, what goes on in the world of single parenting?http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Mary_Ellen_Budney/why-september-can-be-the-cruelest-month-for-working-mothers-_b_1857990_184542296.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation. There are More Comments on this Thread. Click Here To See them AllLoading comments… Loading comments…This comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation. Loading comments… Kristine Williams2 Fans 13 hours ago ( 2:43 PM)Amen! I forgot picture day today and, while it wasn't a big deal to my son, I have been beating myself up for the last two hours. I believe I will stop doing that now. I really appreciate you sharing something so personal and so common but so completely undiscussed!Kristine_Williams: Amen! I forgot picture day today and, while it wasn'thttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Kristine_Williams/why-september-can-be-the-cruelest-month-for-working-mothers-_b_1857990_184501790.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation. Loading comments… Acton Mom0 Fans 14 hours ago ( 2:01 PM)I stay home and have still had days like this. Three kids in three different schools for years. All in religious ed, scouts, one sport and various school-related things like theater, school newspaper etc. My neighbor said my life should be an SAT question, with all the relevant info given and the question posed being: What time will Kathleen arrive at home? Nice to know crazy busy moms are not alone.Acton_Mom: I stay home and have still had days like this.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Acton_Mom/why-september-can-be-the-cruelest-month-for-working-mothers-_b_1857990_184486851.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation. Loading comments… Ursula VonRydingsvard0 Fans 16 hours ago (12:08 PM)Great read I can totally relate :)Ursula_VonRydingsvard: Great read I can totally relate :)http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Ursula_VonRydingsvard/why-september-can-be-the-cruelest-month-for-working-mothers-_b_1857990_184444720.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation. Loading comments… new comment(s) on this entry — Click to refreshLoading comments… 1 2 3 4 5 See All Highlights in 
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